The Subtleties of Fear: What it REALLY Looks Like!

How do you know when you're "in fear?"

Sometimes, it's obvious: you're shaking, stammering, your heart rate is up. You think to yourself, "I feel like diving under my desk or running away. I'm totally shaking and my stomach is filled with butterflies, I must be in Fear!" Having fear be obvious to us is great, because it allows us to choose what to do about it if we want to.

However, for anyone who's scratched the surface of the Fearless Living work, it quickly becomes clear that finding out when we're "in fear" isn't often obvious at all. By the time we get that adrenaline surge or the fight or flight response, we've probably had clues for a long time that we were in fear, and most of those clues probably didn't look like fear at all.
Here's an example. Last night I went to a get-together with a group called Linkup.It was essentially like a group acquaintance blind date, designed to help folks meet other people while doing fun activities.

Here's how the day of the event went down. See if you can spot when fear showed up for me.

I spent the morning updating my website, calling into a teleclass, talking to my mother on the phone about a car accident that happened on my street. I looked at the weather report, decided what clothes I should wear to the event that night. I watched a dvd, ordered sushi. After eating the sushi, I had a few m&ms. Then I had a few more. Then I ate some peanut butter with my m&ms even though I was full already from the sushi. I thought my sweater was itchy so I switched to a fleece. Then I brushed my hair and changed the style of it twice. I checked my email, printed out the list of people coming to the event, noticed my hands shaking as I typed. I went into my room because my fleece seemed too warm and I knocked over a water bottle that was on my floor (cap was on it, thank goodness!). I changed my fleece and knocked the same water bottle over again on my way out of the room. I turned on my iTunes and listened to a Kelly Clarkson song while I checked the clock to decide how soon I should leave. While my iTunes was playing, I turned on the TV to check the weather report again. I checked the time again. I rummaged through a drawer to find my watch. I decided not to wear my watch. I looked at the clock again and realized that if I didn't leave immediately, I'd be late. I left the house, walked to the store. On the way, I thought about turning around and not going. I kept walking, got to the store, my hands were shaking, my adrenaline had shot up, I was fidgety, and I made myself go into the event.

Can you tell when fear showed up for me? What was the moment I got on my Wheel of Fear?

Granted, you may not know what my particular fear responses are. (For those of you unfamiliar with Fearless Living tools-a 'fear response' is how one acts when they're afraid or 'in fear'). Clearly I was in fear by the time my adrenaline shot up. But if I'd been paying attention, the very first moment I got on my Wheel of Fear was the moment I thought it would be a good idea to order Sushi. If I missed it (which I did!), my next clue was eating my second handful of m&ms (I missed that clue too!). Almost everything I did after adding peanut butter to my m&ms-feeling uncomfortable in my fleece, double checking the weather report, turning on iTunes when I should have been leaving the house, bumping into the water bottle (twice!)-all of those things were fear responses. All of them could have told me I was in fear. I didn't actually notice it myself until I knocked the water bottle over the second time-but the moment I noticed it, I acknowledged how nervous I was and I noticed how subtle it was, too. When I bumped into the bottle, my heart wasn't pounding, my body wasn't filled with adrenaline, I didn't feel like running away. Pretty freakin' sneaky, if you ask me. Yet it was obvious, once I knew what to look for, that I was definitely in fear.

How about you? When was the last time you were doing something risky that made you afraid? Can you trace back how you behaved before it to find out when you first were in fear? Being able to identify fear as soon as possible when it pops up gives us the power to not be its victim. We can't change what we don't recognize and the faster we can recognize fear, the faster we can take steps to get out of it.

I challenge you this week to notice when you're displaying fear responses-is it when you eat too much? Start spending money? Start saying things you don't mean? Procrastinate? Get indecisive? Take a look at your behavior and see if you can spot the actions that are really signs that you're in fear. Doing so is the first step toward living in freedom!